So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”