Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
some cats are just doing for fun!
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Salad is the decaf of food.
You can’t outrun your problems…
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???