The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.