*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
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Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Bed should get ready for ME
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back