My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
selfie game