Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”