A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
is this how new cars are made??
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
🤣could you imagine
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.