I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Happy Star Wars day!
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?