My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Chicken bread
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*