PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
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[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Festive toon…
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.