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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I have questions??
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Breaking news:
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.