My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
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This is my bus stop.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”