*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Comparing yourself to others
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am