*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*![]()
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8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
This did not end as expected.
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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Bootstraps
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A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.