*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
three things we don’t talk about
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Wait a second…
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.