Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.