eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My plans: 2020:
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say