Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
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Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*