If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?