I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Breaking news:
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.