We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me after 1 airport cocktail: