Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
incredible book dedication
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I don’t make the rules sorry
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.