Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
moms in horror movies
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.