My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
This fish is cracking me up
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
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