If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
You Might Also Like
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Proctology is located in A55
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.