HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
X-tra spooky blend
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Best table by far
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us