I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
You Might Also Like
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!