it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune