Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself