The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
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[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Yes, but it was never about money