“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I can’t deal with men any longer
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”