I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.