Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”