airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.