Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*