My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
guilty
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath