Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete