Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
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*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are