If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
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GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.