hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
You Might Also Like
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
uncle dave has been through hell
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.