I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.