if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.