I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.