i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Liquor Store Parking
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My favorite farside!!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I hate my earbuds.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My ideal weight is five million dollars