Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
emergency phone
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.