Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
You Might Also Like
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.