There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Encore…
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)