I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda