everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
You Might Also Like
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him