[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Nothing.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.