It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.